Reflection

2018 Word of the Year: Choice

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There is something about starting the week on Tuesday that makes the week seem so much more manageable. Four day week instead of five? I’ll take it! That being said, I’m eyeing up taking a few days off for a stay-cation, to refresh myself and get ready to take on the spring.

I’ve been hearing a lot about choosing a word of the year and felt particularly inspired by the Happier in Hollywood and Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcasts to choose a word. The thing is – how do you choose a word? How do you figure out what in the world you want to accomplish in the next 365 days? Can you choose wrong? (Oh, hey anxiety!)

2018 Word of the Year Choice

2018 Word of the Year

I spent the past two weeks reflecting on 2017. Last year was tough. For every good thing that happened, it felt as if five bad things happened. 2017 felt like a deep pit that I felt stuck in. No matter what I tried to do, it all felt like too much.

That being said, while reflecting, I recognize looking back that sometimes, I leaned into this feeling. Not perpetuating it, but using all of the struggles and stress as an excuse. An excuse to eat poorly and not exercise and to not have the best attitude and to have cocktails during the week. The result is that I no longer feel like my best self. I feel tired and I don’t feel healthy and this is contributing to me still feeling overwhelmed and not in control.

So as I thought of words of the year, a few came up – control, choice, and ownership. They all are pointing to the same concept but in different ways. I like the idea that I have control, but in truth, I don’t always have control. That’s life and that’s okay. Ownership also came up, as in taking ownership of the choices I make. This is getting a little closer to my intent.

I ultimately decide on a word of the year: choice.

Choice seems to encompass control and ownership, with a more positive spin. To me, choice means that when an opportunity arises or a decision has to be made, I get to choose how I respond. I cannot control everything (nor do I want to), but I can make choices based on what is going on in my life. This may be related to being busy – I choose to work full-time and go to school – or health – I choose to get up in the morning to workout, or not work out. What it means is that I make choices every day, and those choices contribute to my overall well-being and happiness.

Choice. I get to choose each day and I want to make choices that make me a better me.

Reflections on Bullying

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This weekend, a video about bullying came up repeatedly on social media. It’s heartbreaking and I can’t watch it without crying. I felt angry and protective and sympathetic and vulnerable while watching Keaton talk about his experience with bullying and questioning why do people bully. So much of what I saw in Keaton’s post I remember feeling when I was in middle school.

Kids can be assholes. I say that having been a kid (and knowing that bullying happens across the lifespan). I was bullied. I also treated friends terribly in an effort to be accepted. I still quite haven’t figured out how to reconcile those behaviors, treating people horribly while knowing how it felt. There is no excuse. Just young ignorance and a deep need to feel loved, I suppose.

People bullied me about my weight. I was never thin, though looking back, I was not the morbidly obese person that my peers made me feel I was. I felt overly self-conscious about my weight and looks and was eager to please everyone. I’m sure that made me an even easier target.

A few examples of how I was bullied:

  • Girls told me to start eating cotton balls because that would help me lose weight.
  • A girl targeted me in my 6th-grade math class and would pass notes around the room daily asking people to mark “yes” if they thought I was ugly.
  • Kids told me regularly that I was “weird” and shouldn’t come back to school because no one wanted me there.
  • People made up fake screen names on AOL Instant Messenger and would tell me that I was fat and worthless.
  • Someone called a fat c*nt monkey.

I’m crying writing this because it still hurts so many years later.  My experience has had lasting effects. Throughout high school and college, I never felt like I was enough. I experienced bouts of depression and have generalized anxiety and much of this is the result of being treated the way I was when I was a kid. The funny thing is, people didn’t know that. Honestly, I’m not even sure my parents knew. I hid it well because I felt like I had to have a certain image to meet other people’s expectations of me. I have grown more confident and do care less about what people think about me than I once did, but I am still plagued with feelings of not being good enough, that who I am and what I look like do not meet the standards of those around me, that I’ll never be enough for everywhere. The experiences I had when I was 13 years old stay with me 17 years later.

But I’m lucky. My experience with bullying was mild compared to what kids go through today.

I’m not sure there is a point to this reflection beside encouraging you to think about the person you want to be. Bullying isn’t a kids-only activity. It happens all the time, everywhere. No one, at any stage of their life, wants to feel less than they are. No one should be teased or abused because of what they look like or because they don’t fit in with the mainstream. We each are who we are and have absolutely no reason to single someone out for not being who we think they should be.

The world we live in is tough. We fight daily to live the best possible life we can. Don’t make anyone else’s fight harder than it needs to be.

Love, don't hate

Love, don’t hate. Support, don’t tear down. Treat people with respect and compassion. There’s no reason for anything less than that.

Love, don’t hate. Reflections on bullying.

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Going Through a 30-Something Season of Change

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This year, I turned 30. When I was younger (you know, a teenager, 21 years old…) I thought that when I turned 30 years old, I would have it all figured out. Being 30 meant that I would be old. It would mean that I’m officially an adult. I would have my life all figured out and that it was all downhill afterward. I didn’t think that when I turned 30, I would find myself entering a whole new season of change.

Season of Change - Turning 30 and navigating the ups and downs of life

I’ll be the first to admit that things have come together more than I thought they would. Over the course of three (!!) years, I met the love of my life, moved a state west, found an amazing job, got married, adopted a dog, and bought a house – and those are just the big things. It’s been a whirlwind, to be honest. My life went from stagnant to flying by, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Here’s the thing; my life is all about to (and already has started to) change. Last fall, I took the plunge, conquered my fear and took the GRE. I aced it (#notsohumblebrag) and was accepted to begin my PhD in the fall at the University of Minnesota. This is a huge accomplishment that I’m immensely proud of and cannot wait to start. This would have been enough of a change.

But then an opportunity at work came up. Over the past month, I have transitioned from my job of three years (which I loved) to a new position. This was completely unexpected. I wasn’t planning a move, but this position came up in a new unit and I couldn’t say no to it. It’s directly in line with what I want to do and is giving me the opportunity to gain a new skill set in the field that I love.

Both of these things are great. But at 30, I wasn’t expecting to enter a new season of change. 

Life seems to come in waves. I anticipated the next few years to be the calm before the storm. The quiet time before Jason and I begin to think about adding kids to our family, as we think about where in the US we ultimately want to settle down. And now, it’s all up in the air. All of the certainty seems to have vanished.

Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t plan for this. If anything, I would say that I was planning for the opposite of this. But all of a sudden, I am faced with opportunity. I see challenges and opportunity and open roads ahead of me. I would by lying if I said I wasn’t intimidated as hell. I am. I am 3 years old and am going back to school with a bunch of kids, while trying to learn a new job, where I work 50+ hours each week. It’s crazy.

And I would by lying if I said I wasn’t totally excited to take it on. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I didn’t plan for this, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Cheers.

Your Turn! Do you (or have you) find yourself going through a season of change in your life?

How Much I Think I Know

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I was surfing the internet the other day when I came across the below image on the A Cup of Jo website. It’s titled “How Much I Think I Know” and is illustrated by Mari Andrew. It really resonated with me.
How Much I Think I Know by Mari Andrew

How Much I Think I Know by Mari Andrew

How Much Do I Think I Know?

As I reflect on my life and growing up, I can only laugh at how much I continually realize I do not know. As an adolescent, a teenager, and in my early 20s, I thought I knew everything. EVERYTHING. There was no way anyone could tell me that I was wrong or that they understood or that I would gain perspective and look back on this time differently. I thought I knew everything. But I didn’t.

It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I began to gain more insight. Insight from personal experience and also insight from a willingness to look at the world from other perspectives than those that came most easily to me. I’m 30 now and can very openly say that there is a lot I don’t know. But instead of seeing that as a weakness, I see it as a strength.

Not knowing is okay. Actually, I think it’s much more than okay. We are not meant to know everything or understand everything. Rather, I think as we grow older (or at least, as I grow other) there is a sort of comfort in not knowing. Or perhaps, a comfort in knowing that there are some things I don’t know and it’s ok to ask others their opinions or thoughts or to share their experience to perhaps inform mine.

As I get older, I hope that I maintain this perspective. I believe it is an asset to be able to say, “I don’t know.” Not because you’re not intelligent, but because we cannot be an expert in everything, and should rely on the experience, knowledge, and wisdom from others to help move ourselves a little further along each day.

There is a lot I don’t know. And I’m okay with that.