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Anxiety, Mental Illness, and Life

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I just finished listening to Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson (actually I listened to it and I recommend listening to it because she is a phenomenal narrator). It was amazing. I laughed until I cried (usually in the car, where people could see), and I reflected on things until I was brought to tears. It seems silly, being 30 years old, but mental illness is something that isn’t discussed much in my life. I work in higher education so I talk about and around mental illness and anxiety and how it impacts students, but these conversations are typically abstract.

I have anxiety. Not “general, everyone gets it anxiety,” but “go to the doctor and take medication to control it” anxiety. And unfortunately, it’s gotten worse this year. Many people in my life have no idea that I have anxiety. Most people look at me and think I have it figured out; I have an amazing job that I love and am good at, I am married to my best friend, and if you look at my Facebook or Instagram, it looks like my life is pretty great. And it is. But I have anxiety. And it doesn’t feel as if it’s okay to talk about.

When Things Get Tough: Living with Anxiety

Living with Anxiety

I didn’t realize I could ask for help until I was 27 years old. Until this point, I just figured that something was wrong with me. That I wasn’t like other people. That it was normal to constantly worry about every little thing that could go wrong or to fixate on a conversation and re-live it 784928 times, or that it was normal to have a panic attack when I was in any social situation. I just figured I was not like everyone else and that I would have to live with that.

Until I realized I didn’t have to live like that. That life with constant anxiety didn’t have to be my norm.

It’s unfortunate, but I think when people hear the term “mental illness” certain images or perceptions come to mind. And these perceptions, whether accurate or not, have a massive impact on how comfortable people feel sharing what their certain situation is.

Anyways – when I was 27, I asked for help. And it was terrifying. It ranks as one of the most vulnerable times in my life. At first I felt like a failure; I’d been handed mostly everything in my life and there was no reason that I should be struggling. Why me? But I asked for help. After talking with my doctor and discussing my symptoms, she recommended counseling and medication, both of which helped and still help. Then I moved to Minnesota and completely uprooted my personal life and started planning a wedding – and needed more help. And now this year, the worst year of my life (no exaggeration, and I’ll probably share more later), I’ve needed to ask for help again. And now I see that it’s ok to ask for help. I may not be “cured” but I am doing better than I was.

After reading Furiously Happy, I realized that it’s okay to say, “hey, I need a little help.” I’m lucky that I’ve found a way to manage my anxiety through medication and an amazing therapist, and that most times it minimally impacts my daily life – but not everyone is that lucky. It’s scary to share this online, in a public place where people I know might read it. But the truth is, anxiety, depression…it’s unfortunately pretty common. And in my opinion, the only way people can become more comfortable talking about it is if someone starts the conversation. So thanks, Jenny Lawson. You made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

Your turn: Thoughts? Can you relate?

Meet The Family!

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Once upon a time, in a city far away…

Just kidding.

Since we’re getting to know each other around here, I wanted to take time to introduce you to my family.

Meet the Bock Family

The bearded one is Jason, my husband. The furry one is Hoss, our pup. We’re a family of three, right now.

Jason and I met a few years ago when we were both living in Madison, WI, our home state. After a whirlwind few months of falling in love, we were somehow picking up our lives and moving to Minnesota to start an adventure together. Jason started grad school, I began a new job, and a month later we were engaged. Phew!

Kim and Jason Wedding Pictures

A year later, on October 10, 2015, we got married in Milwaukee. It was the best day and I’ll spend a whole post remembering it soon. A week after we were married, we adopted Hoss from the human society. Our buddy completed our family, but also put us through a whole lotta hell as we all got acclimated to our new lives.

Sleepy Hoss dog

That’s the past three years in a nutshell!

This past fall, Jason and I bought a house just outside of the Twin Cities metro area. We have a big yard for Hoss to play in, a nice patio for when it (hopefully!) gets warm out, and a place that we can call our own. We miss being so close to family, who still live in Milwaukee (about 6 hours away), but we also like the home we’re building here in Minnesota.

So that’s a ridiculously brief introduction to my family. You’ll be seeing Jason and Hoss around here from time to time, so I wanted to make sure you had a proper introduction.

Where are you from?

What’s Saving My Life Right Now

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Today I’m sharing what’s saving my life right now. One of my favorite blogs is Modern Mrs. Darcy. I can’t explain how excited I was when I stumbled across a blog written by a fellow book lover last year. So when she posted what’s saving her life right now, I wanted to join in!

What’s Saving My Life Right Now

  1. Reading. It seems obvious given my interests, but January was an emotionally tolling month on myself and my family. Books have been such a great escape from life. I plowed through 9 books in January, which is unheard of for me, but that provided such a well-needed relief.
  2. My family. Jason and Hoss are my center. They provide my life with so much fullness, so much love, so much laughter, and just a little craziness. I love coming home to them everyday. They make my life better.
  3. Working out. I’ve recently gotten back to working out regularly. I’m doing the Master’s Hammer and Chisel workout plan. It’s tough and challenging, but I look forward to pushing myself to workout after work. It gives me 45 minutes to unwind and not think of anything else but what I’m being told to do. I feel better, physically and mentally, when I work out and I’m glad I was motivated to start again in January.
  4. Little bits of sunshine. This part of the year is rough. It’s cold (hello, Minnesota living) and cloudy and bleak. We’ve been blessed with a few instances of sunshine this week and I have relished those moments.

It’s usually the little things that save our lives. The small slices of everyday happiness that contribute overall to living a happier, more contented life. Here’s to February and getting a few steps closer to spring!

What’s saving your life right now?

Grieving the Old, Welcoming the New

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There is something quite freeing, yet terrifying about creating a new blog. Particularly in the first post; what do I write? How do I begin my introduction to this small corner of the internet? Luckily, this is not the first time I am doing this, but unfortunately, there’s no record of that.

From 2013-2016, I wrote a blog called Racing Bananas. Racing Bananas was a variety of things: a weight loss blog, evidence of my attempt to live a more healthy life, a document of how my life progressed and changed over a 3.5 year span. This blog was more than a blog to me; it became a visual and written expression of my life. I journal in real life, but through my blog, I discussed, tracked, and shared photographs that were also important to me. I also met some amazing internet-turned-real life friends through the blogging community.

During the summer of 2016, I decided I would switch my Racing Bananas hosting from Bluehost to our home server. As a result, I didn’t renew my contract with Bluehost. What I didn’t realize at this time is that if you do not renew your contract with Bluehost, you will lose your entire blog. I figured my blog would just “be out there.” I was wrong.

When I realized this and saw 3.5 years of work and documentation gone, I felt devastated. It may sound silly, but I felt as if I lost a part of me. I cried (ok, sobbed). It felt as if an entire portion of my life had disappeared.

I’ve come to terms with losing my Racing Bananas blog. I’m still bummed that I can’t refer to it. But there is a positive to losing everything. I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to start a new blog. Is it worth the time? Do I want to continue to share parts of my life on the internet? Ultimately (obviously) I decided yes. One thing I love about starting brand new, without a trace of Racing Bananas, is that I truly get a a fresh start. In the past, I had wanted to start a new blog but maintaining more than one blog was too much work. Now, I have a clean slate. My interests have changed and developed since 2013 and I have changed (hello, married with a dog, living in a different state). There is something exciting and hopeful about getting to start anew.

Thanks for stopping by! Leave me a comment saying hello and how you stumbled upon KimBocko.com.